Chapter 15
DIVORCE, SINGLE PARENTS, AND STEPFAMILIES 

Chapter Outline

Trends in Divorce
Statistical Trends
Historical Trends
Box 15.1: Diversity in Families:  The Globalization of Divorce
Legal Trends

Understanding Divorce
The Culture of Divorce
Why Couples Divorce
Unhappy Versus Happy Couples
The Impact of Divorce on Parents
The Impact of Divorce on Children

Adjusting to Divorce
Emotional Divorce
Legal Divorce
Economic Divorce
Coparental Divorce
Community Divorce
Psychological Divorce
How Long Does It Take to Adjust?

Single-Parent Families and Stepfamilies
Increase in Single-Parent Families
Family Terminology
Growing Family Complexity
Differences Between Nuclear Families and Stepfamilies

Types of Single-Parent Families
Mothers With Custody
Fathers With Custody
Split Custody
Joint Custody
Coping Successfully as a Single Parent

Stepfamilies
Stages in the Formation of a Stepfamily
Strengths of Stepfamilies
Guidelines for Stepfamilies
Box 15.2: Putting It Together:The Stepping Ahead Program

Summary
Key Terms
Activities
Suggested Readings

Learning Objectives

After reading Chapter 15, the student should be able to:

•     Understand the prevalence of divorce in today’s society and why it is not an entirely bad alternative.
•     Explain how no-fault divorce laws instituted the norm of equality between the genders.
•     Discuss Paul Bohannan’s conceptualization of the divorce process as an intense emotional journey.
•     Weigh the effects of marital discord and divorce on children.
•     Know that divorce is a part of many people’s lives, but that there is life after divorce.
•     List and discuss the four different types of divorced single-parent families, explaining why different families need different approaches to living after a divorce.
•     Summarize good advice for new single parents.
•     List some of the challenges stepparents face, as well as some reasons that living in a stepfamily can be very rewarding.
•     Understand that strengths found in single-parent families and in stepfamilies are similar to those seen in other types of families.

Summary

In general, people don’t marry with the expectation that they will divorce, but an estimated one in two first marriages ends in divorce. Because of its prevalence, divorce is viewed by many as a sign of the breakdown of the American family, but divorce can have a positive outcome, by freeing individuals from painful or difficult marriages that cannot be changed for the better. Marriage and family life is a source of stress for many. At the extreme, the home can be shattered by domestic violence, neglect, emotional cruelty, incest, or the abuse of alcohol and other drugs.

This chapter examines the complicated process of marital dissolution, separation, and divorce. The discussion begins with a look at some trends in divorce in the United States: statistical trends, historical trends, and legal trends. We then explore different ways of looking at divorce to better understand the reasons people divorce and discuss the various processes of adjusting to divorce.

Most divorces today involve children. Divorced single parents must deal with challenges that include loneliness and isolation, financial problems, and work overload. Despite these challenges, many divorced single parents develop healthy and functional families. Meanwhile, the noncustodial parent must also work to establish a new identity and to maintain a relationship with the children he or she has “lost” in the divorce.

Eventually, most divorced parents begin looking for a new mate, but they are generally much more skeptical about marriage than they were “the first time around.” Even more difficult than finding a new partner is finding one who also cares about the children, and vice versa. Single parents who marry again then face the challenge of developing a stepfamily system that works.

The second major section of the chapter focuses on how people with children “pick up the pieces” after divorce and establish new family systems. We compare these family systems with the nuclear family and explore the stresses and strengths of both single-parent families and stepfamilies. Current statistics indicate that half of first marriages end in divorce. For second marriages, the rate of divorce is somewhat higher. But marriage is so popular that about 75% of younger couples divorcing are likely to remarry: three out of four divorced women and five out of six divorced men.

The divorce rate in the United States is much higher than it was several decades ago. Many explanations have been offered for the dramatic increase in divorces since the 1960s. Some say the no-fault system of divorce laws has influenced the divorce rate, but other professionals disagree. Some of a conservative orientation argue that “women’s liberation” is the cause. Others suggest as the reason the whole complex of social factors that have set the wheels in motion for change in women’s lifestyles. Educated women still face discrimination in the working world today, but their chances for economic survival have greatly improved. Today, if an educated and skilled woman is not happy in a marriage, she is not trapped by economics into staying with a man she does not love.

In 1970, California was the first state to devise a system of no-fault divorce laws. Today, all 50 states have adopted similar divorce-law systems. No-fault divorce laws sought to eliminate the adversarial process. Under no-fault laws, financial aspects of divorce were to be based on equity, equality, and economic need rather than on fault or sex-based role assignments. No-fault divorce redefined the traditional duties of husbands and wives and instituted the norm of equality between the sexes.

One study of 500 divorced persons who remarried found that the top four reasons they gave for the failure of their previous marriage were infidelity, no longer loving each other, emotional problems, and financial problems. Other reasons included physical abuse, the abuse of alcohol and other drugs, sexual problems, problems with in-laws, work conflicts, unworkable gender roles, and lack of time together.

Paul Bohannan described the divorce process as an intense emotional journey. He argued that there are at least six different separation experiences with which individuals must contend. Individuals experience them in different orders and with varying intensity. Bohannan labeled these overlapping experiences as (1) the emotional divorce, centering around the problem of a deteriorating marriage; (2) the legal divorce, which focuses on the legal arena; (3) the economic divorce, involving money and property; (4) the coparental divorce, dealing with custody, single-parent homes, and visitation rights for noncustodial parents; (5) the community divorce, which involves the changes in friendships and community relationships that every divorced person faces; and (6) the psychological divorce, in which a person works toward regaining individual autonomy as a single person.

Research on the effects of marital discord and divorce on children suggests that divorce is a crisis in the lives of most children who experience it. Besides sadness, many children feel anger toward their parents or themselves. Although divorce is difficult for almost all children, being subjected to long-term marital hostilities is even worse.

How does one know when the process of healing after divorce is over? Perhaps when the person can talk openly about the divorce without considerable anger, guilt, remorse, or feelings of failure or when the person can fully accept the divorce as a part of her or his life that does not preclude future happiness.

In 2000, nearly one-third of all U.S. families were headed by a single parent, most of whom were female. Differences between nuclear families and stepfamilies include biological parent–child ties, the nature and length of the couple’s marriage, parent–child emotional bonds, loyalty issues, extended-family issues, power struggles between children, and the degree of demands on financial resources.

There are four types of divorced single-parent families, or binuclear families: mothers with sole custody; fathers with sole custody; split-custody families (in which the father has custody of one or more children and the mother has custody of one or more children); and joint-custody families (in which mother and father share decision making and child care responsibilities after the divorce in relatively equal time segments). Researchers have concluded that the type of relationship the ex-spouses have often determines which single-parent family style works best.

Divorced single parents face challenges that include loneliness and isolation, money problems, and work overload. Joys of single parenting include the freedom to make decisions without interference, the satisfaction of watching the children grow and develop, and increased closeness with the children. Single parents advise newly single parents to take time to get to know themselves before rushing into new relationships; to not succumb to feelings of failure, worthlessness, or self-pity; to keep busy with constructive activities; to listen to others but make their own decisions; to set small goals; to consider going back to school; and to remain flexible, adaptive, and independent.

Many divorced individuals with children are extremely cautious about entering a new marriage. Remarriage involves letting go of the old relationship and any pain associated with it; planning for the complexities involved in the new couple and family relationship; and reconstituting the family to make room for the new spouse, the new spouse’s children, one’s own children, and all the children’s relationships with their biological parents and extended families.

Stepparenting is challenging. Some of the pitfalls associated with stepparenting include trying too hard to establish a successful relationship with their stepchildren, provoking resentment or jealousy in their stepchildren, trying to replace the absent biological parent, and favoring their own children over their stepchildren. Steps in building a strong stepfamily include nurturing the couple, family, parent–child, and stepparent–stepchild relationships; building stepfamily trust and ties; keeping bridges open to the children’s biological parents; and finding personal space and time for all family members. Research indicates that most stepfamilies have strengths similar to those of other types of families. Stepchildren do not differ significantly from children in nuclear families in terms of self-image, academic achievement, or degree of problem social behavior.

Key Terms

Lecture Notes

I.    Trends in Divorce
A.  In general, people don’t marry with the expectation that they will divorce, but an estimated one in two first marriages ends in divorce. Because of its prevalence, divorce is viewed by many as a sign of the breakdown of the American family, but divorce can have a positive outcome, by freeing individuals from painful or difficult marriages that cannot be changed for the better. Marriage and family life is a source of stress for many. At the extreme, the home can be shattered by domestic violence, neglect, emotional cruelty, incest, or the abuse of alcohol and other drugs.
B.  Most divorces today involve children. Divorced single parents must deal with challenges that include loneliness and isolation, financial problems, and work overload. Despite these challenges, many divorced single parents develop healthy and functional families. Meanwhile, the noncustodial parent must also work to establish a new identity and to maintain a relationship with the children he or she has “lost” in the divorce.
C.  Eventually, most divorced parents begin looking for a new mate, but they are generally much more skeptical about marriage than they were “the first time around.” Even more difficult than finding a new partner is finding one who also cares about the children, and vice versa. Single parents who marry again face the challenge of developing a stepfamily system that works.
D.  Statistical trends. Current statistics indicate that approximately 43% of first marriages break up within 15 years. One in three first marriages ends in the first 10 years; one in five ends within 5 years.  For second marriages, the level is somewhat higher. But marriage is so popular that about 75% of younger couples divorcing are likely to remarry: three out of four divorced women and five out of six divorced men.
E.   Historical trends. From a historical perspective it appears the divorce rate in the United States is stabilizing or perhaps dropping somewhat when compared to previous generations. Many explanations have been offered for the dramatic increase in divorces which began in the 1960s.
1.   Some say the no-fault system of divorce laws has influenced the divorce rate.
2.   Some of a conservative orientation argue that “women’s liberation” is the cause.
3.   Others suggest the whole complex of social factors that have set the wheels in motion for change in women’s lifestyles. The development of better contraceptive technology has given women more control over their reproductive life. Although educated women still face discrimination in the working world, their chances for economic survival have greatly improved. Today, if an educated and skilled woman is not happy in a marriage, she is not trapped by economics into staying with a man she does not love.
F.   Legal trends. In 1970, California was the first state to devise a system of no-fault divorce laws. Today, all 50 states have adopted similar divorce-law systems. The no-fault divorce laws sought to eliminate the adversarial process. Under no-fault laws, financial aspects of divorce were to be based on equity, equality, and economic need rather than on fault or sex-based role assignments. No-fault divorce redefined the traditional duties of husbands and wives and instituted the norm of equality between the sexes.

II.  Understanding Divorce
A.  Why couples divorce. One study of 500 divorced persons who remarried found that the top four reasons they gave for the failure of their previous marriage were infidelity, no longer loving each other, emotional problems, and financial problems. Other reasons included physical abuse, the abuse of alcohol and other drugs, sexual problems, problems with in-laws, work conflicts, unworkable gender roles, and lack of time together.
B.  Unhappy versus happy couples. To learn more about the characteristics of happily married versus unhappily married couples, researchers at the University of Minnesota completed a study using a national sample of 5,039 married couples. There were about 2,375 unhappy couples in the study, most of whom were in marriage counseling. The other 2,664 were happily married couples who had gone to marriage enrichment programs. Among the happy couples, 95% of the spouses said that neither of them had considered divorce; among the unhappy couples, 95% had considered divorce.
1.   Five areas showed the greatest differences between the two groups and were the most predictive of happiness or unhappiness: sexual relationship, communication, conflict resolution, children and parenting, and leisure activities.
2.   Some authorities might say that communication is the crux of the problem because most divorcing people talk of how communication broke down in their marriage. This breakdown often limits the couple’s ability to resolve conflicts and deal with problems.

III. Adjusting to Divorce. Paul Bohannan described the divorce process as an intense emotional journey. He argued that there are at least six different separation experiences with which individuals must contend. Individuals experience them in different orders and with varying intensity. Bohannan gave each of these separate divorce experiences a name.
A.  The emotional divorce centers around the problem of a deteriorating marriage.
B.  The legal divorce focuses on the legal arena.
C.  The economic divorce has to do with money and property.
D.  The coparental divorce involves custody, single-parent homes, and visitation rights for noncustodial parents.
E.   The community divorce includes the changes in friendships and community relationships that every divorced person faces.
F.   The psychological divorce involves regaining individual autonomy as a single person again.
G.  Research on the effects of marital discord and divorce on children suggests that divorce is a crisis in the lives of most children who experience it. Besides sadness, many children feel anger toward their parents or themselves. Although divorce is difficult for almost all children, being subjected to long-term marital hostilities is even worse.
H.  How does one know when the process of healing is over? Perhaps when one can talk openly about the divorce without considerable anger, guilt, remorse, or feelings of failure or when one can accept the divorce as a part of her or his life that does not preclude future happiness.

IV. The Increase in Single-Parent Families. In 2000, nearly one-third of all U.S. families were headed by a single parent, most of whom were female.
A.  Over the past 30 years, there has been a significant increase in single-parent families. In 1970 there were 30 million family groups including children in the United States. In 2000, there were 37 million family groups with children. Single-mother families increased from 3 million in 1970 to 10 million in 2000. Single-father families increased from 393,000 to 29 million. Because the number of two-parent families remained relatively stable over the 30-year period, the proportion of all families that were married-couple families with children declined from 87% in 1970 to 69% in 2000. During the same 30-year period, the proportion of single-mother families grew from 12% to 26%, and the single-father families grew from 1% to 5%.
B.  Differences between nuclear families and stepfamilies include biological parent–child ties, the nature and length of the couple’s marriage, parent–child emotional bonds, loyalty issues, extended-family issues, power struggles between children, and the degree of demands on financial resources.

V.  Types of Single-Parent Families
A.  There are four types of divorced single-parent families, or binuclear families: mothers with sole custody; fathers with sole custody; split-custody families (in which the father has custody of one or more children and the mother has custody of one or more children); and joint-custody families (in which mother and father share decision making and child care responsibilities after the divorce in relatively equal time segments). Researchers have concluded that the type of relationship the ex-spouses have often determines which single-parent family style works best.
B.  Divorced single parents face challenges that include loneliness and isolation, money problems, and work overload. Joys of single parenting include the freedom to make decisions without interference, the satisfaction of watching the children grow and develop, and increased closeness with the children.
C.  Single parents advise newly single parents to take time to get to know themselves before rushing into new relationships; to not succumb to feelings of failure, worthlessness, or self-pity; to keep busy with constructive activities; to listen to others but make their own decisions; to set small goals; to consider going back to school; and to remain flexible, adaptive, and independent.

VI. Stepfamilies
A.  Many divorced individuals with children are extremely cautious about entering a new marriage. Remarriage involves letting go of the old relationship and any pain associated with it; planning for the complexities involved in the new couple and family relationship; and reconstituting the family to make room for the new spouse, the new spouse’s children, one’s own children, and all the children’s relationships with their biological parents and extended families.

      B.  Stepparenting is challenging. Some of the pitfalls associated with stepparenting include trying too hard to establish a successful relationship with their stepchildren, provoking resentment or jealousy in their stepchildren, trying to replace the absent biological parent, and favoring their own children over their stepchildren.
C.  Steps in building a strong stepfamily include nurturing the couple, family, parent–child, and stepparent–stepchild relationships; building stepfamily trust and ties; keeping bridges open to the children’s biological parents; and finding personal space and time for all family members.
D.  Research indicates that most stepfamilies have strengths similar to those of other types of families. Stepchildren do not differ significantly from children in nuclear families in terms of self-image, academic achievement, or degree of problem social behavior.

Activities

1.   Interview someone who has been divorced. Ask them to recount their experiences throughout the entire divorce process. Use Bohannan’s six stations of divorce as a guide for your questions. Compare and contrast the results of your interview with others in a small-group discussion.
2.   Interview a member of a single-parent family. Ask not only about the stresses the family faces but also about the strengths in the family. How is the family different from a two-parent family? How is it similar? Discuss your findings with other students.
3.   Interview a member of a stepfamily, focusing on both the strengths and the stresses in the family. Compare and contrast the family with a nuclear family. Share your findings with other students.
4.   Discuss the differences between a nuclear family and a stepfamily. What consequences do these differences have for the parents and the children in each type of family?

5.   Explore what educational programs are offered in your community for parents who are going through a divorce.  Does your state mandate attendance before a divorce is finalized?  What are the components of the course?

Suggested Readings

Ahrons, C. (1994). The good divorce: Raising your family together when your marriage comes apart. New York: Harper-Collins.
Ardell, T. (1995). Men and divorce. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.
Burt, M. (Ed.). (1989). Stepfamilies stepping ahead (2nd ed.). Baltimore: Stepfamilies Press. A practical publication of the Stepfamily Association of America.
Clapp, G. (1992). Divorce and new beginnings: An authoritative guide to recovery and growth, solo parenting, and stepfamilies. New York: Wiley. Offers guidelines for navigating the difficult straits of loss, growth, and resolution.
Ganong, L., & Coleman, M. (2004). Stepfamily relationships:  Development, dynamics, and interventions.   New York:  Kluwer Academic.  New insights from leading researchers in the study of stepfamilies.
Ganong, L., & Coleman, M. (1999). Changing families, changing responsibilities: Family obligations following divorce and remarriage. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates. Insights from researchers at the University of Missouri–Columbia who have devoted many years to furthering the understanding of stepfamilies.
Harvey, J.H. & Fine, M.A. (2004).  Children of divorce: Stories of loss and growth. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Hetherington, E.M. & Kelly, J. (2002).  For better or worse:  Divorce reconsidered.  New York: W.W. Norton Company.
Kelley, P. (1995). Developing healthy stepfamilies: Twenty families tell their stories. New York: Haworth. “The most significant contribution of this book is a refreshing focus on health and strengths in stepfamilies instead of on seeing stepfamilies as an aberration of the norm.”
Pasley, K., & Ihinger-Tallman, M. (Eds.). (1994). Stepparenting: Issues in theory, research, and practice. Westport, CT: Greenwood Press.
Visher, E. B., & Visher, J. S. (1996). Therapy with stepfamilies. New York: Brunner/Mazel. The latest book by two of the foremost authorities on stepfamilies.
Wallerstein, J. S., Lewis, J., & Blakeslee, S. (2000). The unexpected legacy of divorce: A 25-year landmark study. New York: Hyperion. Insights from researchers who have been studying divorce for many years.